Sometimes You Feel Like A ___ Sometimes You Don't

Warning! Mini existential crisis ahead...

Photo by C. Bay Milin

I've been dancing for literally my entire life. I started formal instruction at the age of 3 at the Bernice Johnson School of Dance in Jamaica, Queens but even prior to that I was dancing. My aunt Sonia used to tell me stories about me as a toddler in pampers. Whenever they played Michael Jackson songs at family parties I would start crawling and bouncing to the beat. One song in particular (she never remembers the name) I knew so well that when the breaks in the music happened I would stop where I was and then start again when the beat came back.

But in my teenage years I started to have an off and on love affair with dance. I didn't think I wanted to be a dancer so much. I wanted to be an athlete or a writer or a carpenter or anything else but a dancer, yet everyone else would see me dance and tell me it was my God-given gift and my destiny. In my senior year in high school I started to believe maybe other people were onto something and I should give it a shot. That feeling followed me all through college until I started learning other aspects of art-making.

Photo by Alex Reside

Then I became interested in being an educator, administrator, actress, model, installation artist, video artist, writer, weird aloof performance artist, blah blah blah (the list drones on). I started looking at other dancers who did only that and they were phenomenal at it because of their focus and dedication. I looked at myself and thought about my lack of motivation to train my body for hours on end to attain that 180º leg extension- was it accurate to call myself a dancer?

Especially as I develop myself as a blogger which keeps me sedentary for long periods of time, I wonder if I can truly say I am a dancer. I don't "live to dance" though I can't imagine myself never dancing. Truthfully, there are many days I'd rather build a dollhouse than stretch or write a blog instead of attend a "State of Dance" discussion forum. What does that say about my authenticity?

Last night I was hanging with friends who were patting me on the back for pursuing my dreams as a dancer and sticking it out even if it was difficult, and I didn't feel worthy of the praise. I expressed to them my hesitation to even call myself a dancer most of the time and they reminded me of something. There's more than one way to skin a cat. Basically no matter what I do its always related to dance. Even my activities that aren't physical develop me as a well-rounded artist and all go to support my choreography or performance in some way. The truth is dancers who spend their time developing their physical technique are amazing at that, but may not be so adept at other aspects of the industry. Though I've jumped around quite a bit I've been learning many aspects to being a dancer and to being a multidisciplinary artist. So while I've been downing myself as a "jack of all trades, master of nothing" I could look at myself as a "master jack of all trades."

I like the sound of that! I feel re-inspired and re-motivated to continue building my mastery of being a versatile artist and well-rounded person. So thanks Shoshana and Cille, I needed that!

Photo by Yuki Kunishima